Movement Mindset - Expectations

 

After losing 100 pounds I've gained strength, energy, flexibility, mobility as well as commitment, determination and resilience. But that has also come with loose skin, droopy breasts, countless hours in the gym/yoga studio, saying "NO" to food and drinks that will derail my progress and to my husbands chagrin, spending money on clothes that will actually fit me. I feel happier, healthier and love being able to show up guys at the gym who are surprised at seeing an almost 44 year old lady out rep them or lift heavy. I love when I'm able to finally settle my body into crow pose in front of a crowded yoga class or when I'm able to try more challenging poses that I wouldn't have been able to do a year ago. But all this doesn't come with a easy fix, it has taken months to get down to a healthy weight and years to develop a mindset that allows me to continue, get back on, and move forward; even after stresses, disturbance in my routines and shit happening that is out of my control. 

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for; perfection is God's business" - Michael J. Fox

I love this quote because it highlights the idea that we can strive for our own individual excellence, which can be achievable and beneficial to our own personal growth. However, aiming for perfection is absolutely unrealistic and can be harmful to your own well-being and overall progress. 

As a special education teacher I always saw each individual student for their strengths, I still do as a principal. Each student comes to us with areas of interest, academic or social leverage that can be used for their advantage when assessing their present levels, developing goals that we can measure, are achievable and that can be tracked accurately over time. For example if a student in third grade is reading at a kindergarten level, it would be awesome if they were at grade level by the end of the year, but to have realistic expectations, we would want to make 1.5 years progress, not necessarily three years progress within one school year. Having such a lofty goal would be setting the child and the teacher up for failure. I've seen students continue to struggle with reading or socialization, but excel in theater or in sports or outdoor activities. A student isn't just a test score!!! They are a completely whole person with a wide variety of interests, abilities and possibilities. I truly believed in this for my students, but I had a difficult time believing in it for myself. 

 

In the past, I've based my worth on a level of expectations that were unattainable or comparing my own place and progress with others. I worked so hard to become a principal and achieve that higher level of career in education. Being the first woman in my family to go to college, being the only person in my family with a maters degree and living in a 5,000 square foot home on six acres. But that came with an unbalance of my family/personal priorities, being tens of thousands in debt and having to do constant house/yard work that took away from the ability to relax and just be in the moment. 

After my husbands cardiac arrest on April 1st, 2023 my perspective in life completely changed. I was accepted into a doctoral program and I was all set to begin my doctorate in education, but then I realized, I have no desire to be a superintendent. I believed that getting a doctorate was the natural next step. I thought that was what expected of me. However, I actually enjoy teaching the most, being in classrooms, being around students, supporting my staff directly and not having to bend to political or community whims. I don't need to have a doctorate to keep being an educator, I don't need to go further in debt, I don't need to continuously be away from my family. Yes, one day it would be cool to say that I'm Dr. Marcie Marie Marzullo-Bertelsman, but I don't NEED it. Having a doctorate will not bring me closer to my family, be more respected as an educator or bring me fame and fortune. I can take mini course in areas that interest me, read books or listen to podcasts that advance my understanding, or attend conferences to be on the cutting edge of research. I can write and share my thoughts with others in different ways (like this blog), instead of being traditionally published. 

Removing the perfectionism that came within my body and mind came next in my Movement Mindset journey. I weighed the highest I've ever been, at 248 pounds. I was not taking care of myself and risked having further health issues if I didn't make a change. My children almost lost their father, there was no way that I was going to allow them to lose their mother early either. 

There were points in my progress that I gave up. I would say to myself "Well, I guess I'm always going to be fat", "I look good in this 3x outfit" or "I don't have time to workout". Another big wake up was on the first day of school in 2023, when I thought that I looked great in my first day of school outfit and one of my teachers said, "oh that looks really flattering on you" but in an intonation that was untruthful and slightly sarcastic. I initially brushed it off, but ultimately realized that I was faking it. I was faking the happiness, the healthiness and the ability to truly love myself. 

I understand body positivity and being happy within your own skin and I apologize if you are in a 3x and weigh 248 pounds and totally love yourself. The problem was, that I didn't love myself. I didn't have energy, I wasn't comfortable and I wasn't confident. 

"If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you" - Fred DeVito

I knew that I needed to change, but I also needed to have realistic expectations of myself. All over the internet there are 6 week challenges or advertisements that will show you a graph that you can loose all the weight in three months, only if you eat like a tiny bird and constantly are working out. I needed a change that would be sustainable and create a life long habit. My expectations were not be a size 0 or a fitness model. I started with an attainable goal of getting down to 180 pounds. My worth was not based on a number on the scale, but being 180 was the last time that I felt good about myself, in my body and that was the last time I felt healthy. 

The last time I was 180 pounds, was after having my son, 13 years ago. I was walking daily with my friends around the neighborhood, working out at Curves and focused on healthy, fresh eating. I was cooking at home and enjoying spending time with my children. Then I decided to become an administrator. Every year of being an administrator I gained about 7-10 pounds. I was exhausted by the end of the day and I wouldn't work out, I would eat dinner (most of the time take-out) and then sit on the couch to get more "work done". I wasn't playing games with my kids, I wasn't doing activities with my husband and I was only thinking of work or other people's kids. I wasn't taking care of myself or my family.  

I was under the expectation that working myself to the bone was the way to be the best principal. Constantly focused on others would allow me, my school and my students to succeed. But truthfully I was continuously chipping away at myself and what truly allowed me to enjoy being an educator, mom and actually liking myself. 

Stopping, slowing down, saying "No" and realizing that I am already a success, was the first step in allowing me to let go of superficial expectations and start to focus on what really brought me joy. It was extremely difficult to leave the school, the community, the staff and students that I loved. But I needed to be the change in my own life. I was able to become a principal at an amazing school that was closer to my home, where there was an immense amount of support from the district leaders as well as staff within the building. There excellent established systems that I didn't need to overhaul and stress over and families were supportive and involved, which allowed me to release some of the responsibilities of having "to do it all". 

I was finally able to focus on myself again. I was able to find my own joys, which allows me to not own fill my own bucket, but now the bucket of others in an authentic and realistic way. I've rediscovered my joy in teaching, by presenting at conferences, teaching yoga classes and being in classrooms as much as possible. I love being able to learn; I've carved out time within my day to read books, listen to podcasts, take webinars or workshops in a variety of topics (education, yoga, menopause, women's circles, book studies, physical fitness and mental health). I love being able to help others; I got inspired by my assistant principal that coached for Special Olympics to find a way to give back and became a coach for Girls on the Run. GOTR allows me to tap into my love of teaching as well as keep me accountable with my health and fitness goals. I've also committed to NAMI - McHenry County by supporting mental health presentations, 5K fundraiser walk and teaching drop in yoga/meditation classes for youth and young adults. 

I'm doing things that I want to do, not what someone thinks I "SHOULD" do!!! I'm feeling comfortable, strong and healthy within my body!!! I'm confident and continuously learning how to be a better leader, educator, mother and wife!!! I'm not doing this with anyone else's expectations, but with self-reflection, experimenting in what brings me joy, and understanding what can be sustainable within alignment to my current life's goals.