I rarely sit still. I don't relax like most people think of relaxation. When my house is clean and organized, I feel less anxious. When the grass is cut and clear, I enjoy sitting outside more. I love pulling weeds. It gives me such satisfaction taking the junk out of the ground and manicuring flower beds, by yanking them out and getting dirty. I don't typically sit and just watch television. I'm either on my phone scrolling or working on something on my computer. I'm a veracious reader of non-fiction, historical fiction or stories that involve warrior women overcoming societal norms. Never just fluff reading. Reaction being part of my nature, its been a growth challenge for me to PAUSE. As a leader I've always believed that I needed to have all the answers, that I needed to have immediate solutions or that everything was urgent. This led me to burnout, making too many mistakes and going back on initial decisions. Being so reactive also caused me not think about ...
I get asked often, "When do you find the time to do that?" "Do you ever sleep?"
I think I've always been this way. I like being busy, I like doing new things, I like meeting new people, I like projects. What I'm not so good at is slowing down, being still and recognizing when I need to rest.
My husband tells me that I don't know how to relax, but I think what it means for him to relax is totally different that what it means for me. For my husband, its sitting on the couch, watching moves, watching wrestling or taking a nap. That is the farthest from what I enjoy. For me, I love to read (non-fiction more than fiction), gardening, yoga, and doing anything in nature.
When I can take a new class, learn something new from what I've read, meet a new and inspiring person or have a new experience that is what energizes me. The problem is that my body never really settles. I have a hard time staying asleep (I fall right to sleep, because I'm usually exhausted, but I can't stay asleep - tossing and turning) and I'm not to regular in the bathroom, if you know what I mean. That is until I found mindfulness and meditation.
During the day when my students or staff are getting to be too much or at home when my children argue with me about everything, instead of anxiously cleaning, I go outside to my favorite corner of the yard and just breath. One of my favorite mindfulness exercises is paying attention to my five senses.
I'll start with closing my eyes and feeling the wind in my hair or on my face, smell the grasses and brisk air, listen for the sounds of the birds, cicadas or crickets, then I'll open my eyes and see the buds on the trees or a little chipmunk scurry along. All the while taking deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. Tasting is always the tricky one, sometimes I'll bring a cup of tea or coffee with me and notice the heat or flavor in my mouth, or I'll stop by my herb garden and pinch off a bit of basil or lavender and pop it into my mouth.
That practice will usually ground me in a way that I feel emotionally regulated for whatever may come next. Its 5-10 minutes out of my day, then I don't over react or cause more trouble for myself later. Mindfulness has changed my reactions, which is the only thing that I can control, then I feel less anxious, which allows me to be a better mom and leader.
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