Self-Care Vs. Self-Compassion

Telling people to practice Self-Care has almost become cliché. What one person does to care for themselves may look totally different than what someone else feels is caring. I’m guilty of trying to push self-care onto my staff. Two years ago, I dedicated February to opportunities for self-care instead of having staff meetings. There were several people who loved the activities, such as: hydration challenge, decorating pots and planting plants and sound bowl meditation. However, some people asked, “Do I have to do this? Can I just do work in my room?”. My Pinterest feed gets inundated with “Self-Care Challenges” or calendars dedicated to self-care, which give the same suggestions - Eat Healthier, Get More Sleep, Write a Post-it for Gratitude, the list can go on and on. 

However, something that I realized is that when I was trying to practice Self-Care the activity was supposed to be calming and relaxing, but my thoughts were not very caring. I would be feeling guilty that I wasn’t with my kids, cleaning some part of my house, or working on a project that needed to be completed. I was trying things that someone else suggested and not really listening to what really gave me joy. Caring for yourself and being happy doesn’t have to be prescribed to you. Meditating, journaling, exercising and showing gratitude have a ton of research to show that it can make you happier if you practice those things. However, if you do those things, but still not have true self-compassion, then you’re just running on a hamster wheel. 

Self-compassion is regarding yourself compassionately. Self-care, by contrast, is treating yourself compassionately. 

There are many instances in life that I have not had self-compassion for myself, particularly when I feel that I’ve done something wrong or that I’ve hurt others in some way. Within the last few years, my career has been challenging. I love being an educator, but there are bureaucracies and decisions out of my control that make being a principal very difficult. Being a school leader during Covid was a super crazy time. Each day brought new regulations, new communication and new challenges to my staff, students and families. In my previous district when we came back from Covid there were new initiatives that I didn’t necessarily agree with. Districts were given funds to “battle” the learning loss caused by Covid. My previous district chose to spend millions of dollars to have a consulting firm put forth new instructional initiatives that teachers were not ready for. My school already has some of the practices in place, such as thriving professional learning communities, regular data discussions, researched based interventions and dedicated time within the schedule for teacher collaboration and student interventions. However, there were other aspects that had significant push back, such as instructional walk-through rubrics and outside consultants that were conducting these walk-throughs that staff didn’t trust. 

I shared my opinions, put forth different proposals that were based on my individual school’s data that had significantly less cost, and directly addressed the areas that could raise our data and make a direct impact on the lives and academic progress of the students within my school. However, my supervisor at the time, only pushed the “one size fits all” district initiative and would frequently yell at me, that I needed to push my staff to fit into the designated box and not consider the basic needs of the students. This mindset directly went against my personal philosophy as an educator and went against the core of my beliefs in what a true leader should be. I tried to follow the directives of my superiors, but my staff could see that I wasn’t on board. There were several staff members that began to turn against me as well. They knew this wasn’t what was best for kids, but I couldn’t go against what I was told to do. 

Eventually, I had to realize that I couldn’t be fake any longer and I needed to find a place that shared my educational beliefs, philosophies and pedagogies. If I couldn’t be the change, then I needed to make a change. 

That was truly a heart wrenching decision. I loved my staff, I loved the students and I loved the community, but I couldn’t not be true to myself. So I left the following year and moved to a district that shared similar instructional and pedagogical beliefs, that I could stand behind and could Lead with Love. 

My new school is amazing!!! The teachers are fantastic, the school itself is beautiful, the leadership is approachable, knowledgeable and I feel part of the administrative team, not just continuous top down decisions being made. However, I felt incredibly guilty. I left behind people that I cared for, students that I cared about and I felt like I abandoned them. I tried to do all the things to be happier, focus on my self-care needs. But it was making me feel worse and worse. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy.

That is when I needed to develop self-compassion, not just try to practice self-care. 

“Self-compassion is the quality that allows us to remember that we are only human. We aren’t superheroes or robots; we are fluid, changing beings who ebb, flow and feel. Our experiences cannot be defined or limited, and neither can we” 

Self-compassion helps us to honor our basic human experience without judgment. It gives us space to feel what we need to feel, how we need to feel it. It is the GRACE we need in order to thrive, not just survive. 

Try these 4 R’s to invoke self-compassion into your life manage difficult situations, negative thoughts or moments of doubt. 

Reflect - reflect on the words, phrases and thoughts that you are telling yourself. Would you use those same words, phrases, and thoughts when speaking with your spouse, child, friend or coworker? Would you tell them “you don’t deserve that new job” when trying to console or give them a pep talk? Would you tell them “you aren’t worthy of feeling happy”? If you wouldn’t tell a spouse, child, friend or coworker those things, why would you tell yourself the same thing. 

Reframe - take the disconcerting, harmful and negative words and statements and reframe them into positive affirmations to yourself. For example - “you ARE worthy of feeling happy”, “you DO deserve that new job”, “you CAN make a difference”. You will directly take the negative word out of your statement and reframe it into a positive statement. 

Return - Come back to yourself. Return to the situation you are in in real-time. Now ask yourself: Can I have the same compassion for myself that I just had for my spouse, child, friend or coworker and use the reframed statement for myself? 

Reroute - Use the new positive statement that you would use with your spouse, child, friend or coworker. Your human experience is not any different than theirs. You deserve the same amount of GRACE and COMPASSION that they do. 

The 4 R’s are not a linear step-by-step process that will happen over a ten minute shower, commute to work or vacuuming the living room. These are a continuous, intentional part of integrating self-compassion into your daily life. Once you can Reflect, Reframe, Return and Reroute, then the healing of self-compassion can allow for self-care to enhance your life even further. 

Embracing self-compassion reignited my passion for education, leadership and allowed me to feel confidence in myself again. I would reflect on my negative self-talk, reframe those statements to turn them into positive statements about myself, my abilities and my purpose. Then I would return to the present moment, meditation and purposeful breathing would help me focus and get out of negative thought cycles. I would never let my daughter talk to herself like I was talking to myself in my head. I had to reroute my thoughts and remind myself that no one can be perfect, no one can always have the answers, no one can make all the right choices every time. I needed to learn from my setbacks and realize that I am just like everyone else, living and growing through this human experience and allow myself to have self-compassion, which can lead to fulfilling opportunities for self care. 

Download FREE Self-Compassion Workbook - https://mailchi.mp/e063d799f042/co0s1y62xj