Back to School Anxiety

I can not sleep. I'm waking up three to four times a night with the strangest dreams and thoughts. I know this is my mind working through the anxieties of the unknown, what there is to come this school year and what challenges I will have to face and overcome. 

I don't remember having these types of worries as a child at the beginning of the school year. School was always my safe place, even though I wasn't the best student, I enjoyed being with friends, reading, writing and learning new information. However, as a teacher and Principal, it has been totally different. 

About a month before school starts is when it beginnings. June is calming and I rest easy. However, after the 4th of July my mind is constantly in a state of unrest. My dreams are so vivid and physically involved. I wake up in full sweats, heart pumping, muscles tense and breathing heavy; so much so, I can't fall back to sleep. The majority of my dreams are quite ridiculous actually: not being able to find the class that I'm suppose to be in, loosing my teeth or shoes, not being able to speak or not being able to move, being stuck in the spot I'm standing in and having to craw on all fours. These are reoccurring dreams that I have that ultimately are a manifestation of the anxiety that I'm feeling while I'm awake. 

As educators, we are very concerned about our students and their social emotional state, but too many times we forget to recognize our own anxiety and obsessive thoughts that can overpower us and not allow us to enjoy our lives in and out of school. 

I have made tons of mistakes over the years, things that I wish I could do over, rewind the tape and say something different and most of them have to do with interactions that I've had with fellow teacher, leaders and colleagues. As a new Assistant Principal, in my early 30's I didn't realize the impact of my words and actions on others. It was a very hard lesson to learn and has shaped my interactions with my staff since. The transition from being a teacher to an administration, I thought would be easy. I've done a bunch of professional development as a teacher and instructional coach, I've dealt with challenging parents as a child study team coordinator in IEP meetings, I felt comfortable in teachers classrooms being a special education co-teacher and handling student discipline was second nature for me, with my own personal delinquent background. But what I wasn't prepared for was navigating building culture, district politics and people just not liking me. 

I do not have a poker face, I can be very sarcastic and sometimes I don't think before I speak. These are not the best qualities to have as an administrator. Early on as an AP, I was charged by my Principal to update and revamp the special education calendar, scheduling and processes for case managers turning in paperwork, sending home notifications and updating IEP goals. What the Principal failed to tell me, was the complete mess that the paperwork was in, how unorganized the previous team was with meeting scheduling and the toxic team of educators that only cared about themselves and not the collective school team. 

The conversations that I had with this team did not always go well. I would try to make light of situations and tell a joke, which was always taken the wrong way. When I disagreed with an action from a member of the team, my face would totally give away from internal feeling. When I noticed that actions, paperwork or practices were not working, I just went ahead and changed it, without input or feedback from the team. Even though I knew I was doing what was right for kids and trying to "fix" things, it was done without "buy in", which caused animosity and eventually sabotage.

I could have reflected on the reactions of the staff and changed my approach, but I didn't have the leadership tools yet to do that. I also didn't have the support of my Principal, who majority of the time locked his door and worked on his doctoral dissertation instead of lead his building. When a few of the staff members ending up going to him and complaining about me, even throwing out completely untrue accusations about my character and interactions with other staff members, he believed them. Instead of coming to me and letting me know what was being said, or working with me on how to support this team better, I eventually got pushed out of the district. 

This was a devastating situation for me. I loved my job, I loved the work I was doing and I truly cared for my staff and students. But when one door closes another one opens, right!!!

The mistakes that I made, I have learned from. I've adjusted how to interact, speak and collaborate with my staff and fellow colleagues. Yes, I still make mistakes, but I recognize them, apologize for them and try my best to change to ensure that my staff has what they need to be successful, which then in turn allows students to be successful. 

However, the anxiety about how I will be perceived, will I be talked about negatively, will I offend someone, will I say something stupid, will I make a decision that isn't favorable is constantly in the back of my mind. I know I can't control the thoughts and actions of others and I only can control my reactions, I keep the control circle graphic on the bulletin board next to my desk. But it still bothers me and eats at me, and keeps me up at night. 

When I can't sleep and my mind is racing, one of the only things that I can do is write it down!!! I keep a journal near my bed. Some of the times when I look back at what I wrote in the morning, I can't read my own handwriting, but a lot of the time, while I'm awake, I can take action or I can meditate on that feeling or thought and just PAUSE before I react. 

Before any big conversation, meeting or tense interaction, I talk to myself. I'll practice what I'm going to say in the shower or while I'm washing dishes. My kids have asked me who I'm talking to, but really I'm just talking to myself, trying to figure out what I'm going to say, what specific words I'm going to use, how my tone will come out. I also prepare for possible scenarios and reactions from the person that I'll be talking to. I go back and forth in my head to make sure that I don't say something that I don't mean and that when I'm actually having the conversation, that I am presently listening and not trying to think of a response, because I've already thought about it and processed it. 

During heated or contentious conversations, I do try to ease my face. I may try to smile and be cognizant of my eyebrows. When I allow my face just to be, I've been told I have the "resting bitch face" or my eyes will bulge which will be a tell tale sign of my emotions. I also have to remember to unclench my jaw, bring my tongue down from the roof of my mouth and just breath. 

I've also learned to lean on others and not try to take things on without consulting with trusted colleagues first. Sometimes I may overreact from an email or a phone call and having someone to talk about how I'm feeling or get their opinion on what I'm planning on saying is super helpful for me. I've been so very thankful for my assistant principals that I've been able to communicate well with. I need people around me that will tell me to slow down, to take a step back, who will tell me what may not be a good idea. I appreciate open and honest communication. If I'm doing something wrong, or if I've said something to bother someone, or if I'm doing too much, I need someone to tell me. I can't change unless I know about what needs to be changed. Having those trusted people have been crucial in me being productive, affective and staying sane. 

The anxiety will always be looming, but following my process, using my resources and keeping my goals in the forefront is what helps me from spiraling. Part of being human is having these worries, but recognizing these emotions, reflecting on what I need and releasing the pressure to be perfect, helps me move forward and be better for my staff, students, community and my own family.