I rarely sit still. I don't relax like most people think of relaxation. When my house is clean and organized, I feel less anxious. When the grass is cut and clear, I enjoy sitting outside more. I love pulling weeds. It gives me such satisfaction taking the junk out of the ground and manicuring flower beds, by yanking them out and getting dirty. I don't typically sit and just watch television. I'm either on my phone scrolling or working on something on my computer. I'm a veracious reader of non-fiction, historical fiction or stories that involve warrior women overcoming societal norms. Never just fluff reading. Reaction being part of my nature, its been a growth challenge for me to PAUSE. As a leader I've always believed that I needed to have all the answers, that I needed to have immediate solutions or that everything was urgent. This led me to burnout, making too many mistakes and going back on initial decisions. Being so reactive also caused me not think about ...
On the flip side of it, I care A LOT. I will fight for what I believe is right. I will love with all of my heart and will ensure justice and support for my family, my staff and the students that I work with each and every day. Integrity is super important to me. I strive to live my life as authentically, honestly and without secrets or manipulation as much as possible.
When I screw up, I take accountability for my actions or words. If I hurt someone I will apologize. Even though I may think that my actions or words were justified. What someone else perceives may be different and I need to honor their thoughts and feelings, even if they are different from my own. When I know that I bothered or hurt someone, I will try to adjust my words or actions to ensure they feel psychologically safe and seen because their feelings are valid and should be respected.
The key is communication. We have to be able to share, be honest, be vulnerable and be willing to listen. That is what I really strive to do. This is what I have to work hard to make sure my actions match my words. I have to model those believes within my daily life, to allow space for others to feel comfortable enough to share their truth with me.
What really irks me is when individuals choose to spread untruths about me, or create an untrue narrative around my actions, which can be detrimental to my livelihood.
I've experienced this with several colleagues who have had a problem with the questions that I've asked. As an instructional coach the district was moving towards a multi-grade dual language program at one of the schools that I was supporting. Teachers were very stressed, concerned and apprehensive about the reason why that decision was even made. To support my teachers I asked for further clarification to be able to assist my teachers in understanding the vision and give them the tools they need to make this huge instructional shift. Instead of working together to manage this complex change, I was reprimanded for asking questions and not just following directions. I was not trying to be insubordinate, I was trying to make sure everyone felt supported and ready. That is what a good leader should do.
That again is why communication, honesty and transparency is at the upmost of importance. If as a leader you are not able to explain any of those elements, then you need to go back and work out those things, or explain to who your working with that it is a work in progress and solicit their opinions, ideas and solutions.
Recently, I've been thrusted into a situation that is not honest, it is manipulating others and does not have integrity. I'm having a really hard time navigating my role in "outing" the dishonesty or just sticking to what I've been asked to do and not "rock the boat". My internal fight for injustice is conflicted. My assertiveness, bluntness and expectation for accountability, may have gotten me into this situation, with someone who may not like me. Which is also conflicting, because as human we are going to come across people that we don't mesh with, or personalities may clash, but as a professional, we "suck it up buttercup" and do the job that we were given the responsibility to complete.
Continuing to feed this conflict, allow to to have space within my mind and soul, is not helping my mental wellbeing and it could cause more conflict within my job. But being a huge Housewives of New Jersey fan, this quote from Dolores Catania really resonates with me. "I learned a long time ago; let somebody destroy themselves. Sometimes they can do it better than you, and I just sit back and watch that.
So even though it may be killing me inside, gossiping, vindication, or further retaliation is not the answer in this case. I've shared what I need to share. My priority is myself, my family, my staff and my students. I will do whatever I need to do to make those things successful. I can brush off other peoples issues with me. I can let their own untruthfulness go, and focus on what is important to me. I will be TRUE TO MYSELF!!!!
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