Emotional Detachment

 

As educators and administrators we experience so many other peoples emotions, be it the children we work with, colleagues or families. Taking in everyone's feelings, trying to be supportive, limiting our own reactions, and processing each persons needs along with keeping ourselves positive and productive, sometimes can all get a little too much!!!

On Friday's I use to be a zombie. When my children were younger, it was so hard for me to jump from school care-giver to mom care-giver. I would yell at the littlest thing and couldn't even stand them sitting next to me on the couch, because I was so over stimulated myself. I never went out or socialized on Friday's because I couldn't stand listening to another persons issues or concerns. I was totally empty, I had nothing else to give. 

Now I've realized that on weekends I need to focus on ways to fill my own bucket and revitalize my sense of self to allow myself to be ready for the week. I decided that I needed to find the things that bring me joy, otherwise the emotional draining of the week would effect my relationships with my children, husband, friends and others that I love. Many of my joyful activities are solitary activities. Reading, working out with my earbuds in listening to a podcast, cleaning the house, kayaking, walking the dogs, meditation and yoga. I don't have to talk, I have less environmental stimulation and I don't have to please anyone besides myself. When I have had that precious alone time, I feel like I can be more present with others, listen better and put my own emotions in check. 

However, by creating these boundaries and being detached, I have been told that I'm cold and unhuman. 

For some people, being emotionally detached is a coping mechanism—a strategy that is used to protect them from stress or getting hurt. For others, it can be a reaction to trauma, abuse, or unprocessed emotions, which makes the person unable to open up about their struggles. Psychology Today

Developing emotional detachment is essential as an educator and administrator. When you have students dealing with stressors of their life, coming to us with their own traumas, from navigating friendships to dealing with sexual abuse. We listen and take that pain into ourselves, while also giving a comforting hug, and letting our students know, that they are loved and we will be there if they ever need someone to listen to. When families come to us with very high emotions on the phone or in person, I try to remember their point of view, is that their child is there heart living outside of there body. However, it can be very hard to keep your composure when you're getting yelled at about a child's ponytail being messed up and the next minute you are talking to a family that just lost their infant son. I feel very similar when colleagues are complaining about the quality of copy paper or when there are others who are having serious personal medical needs. They both come to me with the high level concern and emotion and I have to listen and give the same level of understanding to each, even though I want to tell one to suck it up buttercup and hold the other and breakdown with them. But I can't do either, because in the next minute I have hop on a zoom meeting or respond to an immediate need in the building. I keep my emotions in check and I am just coping with the stress and getting my job done. 

Don't get me wrong, I will drop F-bombs, I take deep breaths and I roll my eyes, but I bury my own personal feelings deep down and move on with my day. 

In other ways, my emotional detachment is also a response to my own trauma. Having an ACES of 6, *ACES Quiz* I don't really empathize with people who complain about the little inconvenience's in life, or when they are expected to do their job or when they seem entitled or ungrateful for what they have right in front of them. I think about the experiences that I've had, the very unfortunate students and families that I've worked with or the challenges that are outside of their privileged community. I was raised to get to just get your shit done. Focusing on your responsibilities of work and home, is what needs to be done, and not to dwell on your feelings or what is bothering you. Basically put on your happy face and do your work to provide for your family. Also, what happens in the family, stays in the family. No one else needs to hear about our problems, we'll handle it on our own. This background makes it very difficult for me to ask for help, or share what is truly bothering me. 

However, this has manifested in serious issues in my physical and mental health. When I've tried to express my feelings they are dismissed or gaslighted. So it is easier to just bury it away and move on. But then I have the medical problems that I shared about in my last post. I lack trust and I don't open up to others, which doesn't allow me to have strong friendships. 

So as I continue to recognize my own emotions, behaviors and how I am coping with the emotions of others around me. I have to remember to not feed into the drama. I have to be vulnerable and share how I truly feel. I also have to not feel guilty for the needing the alone time to regain perspective and love myself. 

Everyday is a process and a chance to start again!!!