I rarely sit still. I don't relax like most people think of relaxation. When my house is clean and organized, I feel less anxious. When the grass is cut and clear, I enjoy sitting outside more. I love pulling weeds. It gives me such satisfaction taking the junk out of the ground and manicuring flower beds, by yanking them out and getting dirty. I don't typically sit and just watch television. I'm either on my phone scrolling or working on something on my computer. I'm a veracious reader of non-fiction, historical fiction or stories that involve warrior women overcoming societal norms. Never just fluff reading. Reaction being part of my nature, its been a growth challenge for me to PAUSE. As a leader I've always believed that I needed to have all the answers, that I needed to have immediate solutions or that everything was urgent. This led me to burnout, making too many mistakes and going back on initial decisions. Being so reactive also caused me not think about ...
I don't want to sound like a weirdo or a loser, but I don't have many deep friendships. There are tons of people I am friends with, but connections that are fully vulnerable, completely open and unconditional are really hard to come by. In every phase of my life, from being a young child, teenager, sorority sister, toddler mom and now coming into my own, as a middle aged women and being a building leader, true friendships can be tricky. I've had many groups of friends and people that I've hung out with, some I'm still in contact with and other relationships have faded away.
This past weekend, I had the pleasure of getting together with several of my sorority sisters, Kappa Delta, and it made me feel like I was 19 again. Except at 12:00pm, when I needed to go to bed. We laughed, caught up on our lives, shared challenges, successes and dreams for the future. I felt heard, respected, and accepted for who I was and who I currently am. When I got home after that weekend trip, I cried in the shower. It has been 20 years since I've seen some of these women (outside of Facebook) and it felt like we get together every weekend. Our dynamic picked up right where it left off and it truly felt like a sisterhood. I cried because I don't get this opportunity often.
According to author Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With the Wolves "I have always thought the kaffec klatsch (coffee clutch) was a remnant of ancient women's ritual of being together, a ritual, like the old one, of belly talk, women talking from the guts, telling the truth, laughing themselves silly, feeling enlivened, going home again, everything better."
Having this opportunity with these extremely successful, beautiful inside & out and funny women filled me up so much. The last several years have been a challenge in who I can trust, identifying the people who actually want to interact with me, and finding other women that share my same interests, values and accept me for me.
As a young child, I had a group of three other girls that I was inseparable from. I loved riding bikes, playing Barbies and just acting goofy together. Around third grade, one of those friends started isolating me and choosing to hang with another girl down the street. This could have been because of the turbulent household I was living in. I wasn't the girl that wore the best clothes, did my hair perfectly or had the latest toys since we were fairly poor. I felt extremely rejected, but became closer to the other two friends. While other elementary school students were having huge birthday parties or getting the latest clothes or toys, we went to Gino's East for my birthday and colored on the walls, we would watch MTV from the cable that my dad rigged up and stole from the neighbor. We still rode our bikes everywhere and were fine just being together, then came middle school.
Throughout middle school and high school is when I was making dangerous and risky choices with stealing, doing drugs, sneaking out of the house, meeting up with older boys and not caring about school or myself, truly. I had a super fun group of girls that I hung out with, but we pushed the envelope, we tried to get away with so much and I am surprised that we didn't get arrested, assaulted or worse. One of the very best things about Facebook is that I can see that these girls have grown into fabulous women that are loving mothers and professionals. It is miraculous that we were able to move beyond our rebellious stage and overcome our inappropriate choices. However, I haven't directly spoken to these women since. I would welcome getting together with them, but I'm not sure if they are interested. It saddens me because I see people who have friendships that have stood the test of time and I'm jealous that I don't have that.
After college, getting married and having my children the ladies that I became friends with, were the moms of the friends of my children. These were great times, we would gather together, let the kids play and run around each others house, drink, eat and look out for each others kids. We'd go on walks, bring "momma juice" to the park, go to each others 31 Bag, Tupperware, Pampered Chef and Jewelry parties. The challenge was when our kids started to get older, and developed new friendships, or got involved in other extra curricular activates we started to drift apart. My family moved a half and hour away from our first subdivision neighborhood and I stopped getting invited to things, and our lives started to get really busy with our own jobs and our kids sports. It was a challenge to "find the time". Life has moved on with this group, marriages have fizzled out, children have gone off to college and other people have moved away. I still would drop anything and meet up, or help any of them with their kids or anything they may need, but I'm not sure if I'm the first person they would contact.
I've never been a phone friend; meaning I don't call up people just to chat. I call or text if I need to let someone know something, but I'm not one to call someone to share my feelings, tell people I'm stressed or ask for help. This may be why I don't have the close friends that I would like. It is hard for me to be vulnerable. Growing up, it was literally beat into me that we don't share what is going on in our household. "What happens in the family, stays in the family". We take care of our shit without complaining, we don't burden others with our problems and we put on the facade that everything is OK. I will sit with someone and listen all night to their needs, support them in anyway that I can and do whatever I can to celebrate them. But I don't reciprocate that with myself. Unless you read this blog, there are very few people who know the details of my psyche, I prefer not to celebrate myself and I detach myself from negative emotions quite often to just get done with what I need to get done.
One of the biggest challenges with friendships that I've faced is friendships in the workplace. When I first started as an administrator, I would joke and go out after work with my colleagues all the time. I didn't realize at the time that due to my role, I was making people uncomfortable and blurring the boundaries between a teacher colleague and a boss. At the last school I was at, I believed that I made deep friendships, since we experienced challenges together and were able to communicate truthfully, freely and extremely productively. However, after Covid and with district initiatives that I had to implement, cracks in once solid relationships, ending up totally breaking. After I left that school, it was very hard for me to come to terms that I left my friends behind. However, it was even harder to realize that several people who I thought were my friends, were not, and haven't reached out once since I left. There are a few who I'm still in contact with, support their continued development and keep up with their family celebrations. But, what I have come to realize it is that it can be very lonely being the boss.
I was recently told by a staff member that I am not their friend, I am their boss. I immediately stated back that "I'm their friend some of the time and their boss the other times." But, after reflecting on this, there is a very distinct boundary between any staff member and their immediate supervisor. I don't need people to love me, but I should be respected and I will do the same for them. There are definite opportunities for socializing, having fun, decompressing around colleagues, but I have to be cognizant of how other people are feeling, or what they want in a relationship with me. That is why I never "friend" someone on Facebook that are on my staff. If they seek me out and "friend" me, I will accept, but I don't ever what someone to feel uncomfortable or cross a line that they may want.
There are so many articles and books about adult friendships and how to make lasting relationships with people, and it really comes down to FINDING YOUR POEPLE. I love reading other peoples blogs and THE EVERYGIRL has some great ideas in making friends as an adult. Some of those ideas are:
- Reconnecting with Past Friends
- Join a Local Group
- Volunteer
- Workout Classes
- Connect with Colleagues
- On Social Media
- Similar Positions
Sometimes I feel like my husband is my only friend. So a new goal for me, is to expand my group of friends, to put myself out there more often and try to trust, be more vulnerable and to invite people over my very large wall.
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