Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You

 

Fall is the perfect time to reflect on areas in your life that are benefiting you or holding your back. As the trees drop their leaves and prepare themselves for cold and hibernation, I prepare myself for the changes and challenges in my life. Forgiveness is the biggest area that I am constantly trying to achieve during my meditations and in all aspects of my life. 

Recently, my mother and I had a laps in communication due to an incident that happened during my daughters volleyball game. I am not a person that yells or even cheers loudly during my children's sporting events. I will clap, say great job after a good play and give my children positive encouragement before and after their games. My daughter has specifically told me that it distracts her and that she doesn't like the outward yells or cheers directed towards her, so I respect her wishes and keep any acknowledgement calm and quiet. My daughter has shared this my husband and all other family members, regarding her wishes.  However, at one particular game, my mom was in rare form, yelling at the referee, making very angry facial expressions and just overall out of sorts. After yelling at the ref more than once, I nudged her with my knee and she turned around and spewed vitriol words at me, where other players families over heard and made very shocked faces. At that point, I shut down. 

The history with my mother and the hurt, physical and emotional, that I've experienced throughout my life, I have had to establish very hard boundaries with my mother. It does not help to yell back at her or even try to rationalize with her when she is in a certain mood, what does help is distance. I do not speak to her and I give her space to calm down and myself space to work through my feelings and try to forgive her. I truly believe in the statement of "forgive but do not forget". 

To forgive my mother, I have to release the traumas that I have been subjected to, be open to the good that the relationship does hold and not give the hurt feelings power over myself. When I perseverate on the problems, the pain and the things that I can not change, then it over consumes me. I will sometimes share with her my feelings, but most of the time we just try to get back to "normal". We'll do an event together, chit chat about family or work, and majority of the time just move on. I don't forget the incidences that have happened, but I continue to be cautious allow us to coexist, as well as love and care for each other when we can communicate positively and productively with each other. 

However, there is another family member that is very difficulty for me to forgive and release the hurt and pain that I've experienced. There have been several situations that have broken my soul. When my daughter was born, she had jaundice and needed to be placed in NICU for three days for treatments. I had to leave the hospital without my child. When I returned to my home, there was decorations stating "Welcome Home Baby" on the stairs. I was devastated. This family member knew that I was not coming home with my baby. Also, a baby is not able to read, so who was the decorations for??? Anyway, I immediately ripped down the decorations and began sobbing. I curled myself into a ball of the landing of the stairs and cried out, that I didn't have my baby. I was feeling so inadequate as a mother and protector of my child and seeing those decorations as a reminder that my baby was not actually home, was ever so hurtful. Another event that solidified by difficulty with this family member was when we were visiting them out of town when my daughter was a little over two years old and a very heated argument happened in front of her. This family member aggressively came at me during the argument. To protect my daughter, we decided that it was time to leave. The entire way home, we were fuming and extremely disappointed. The next day, I experienced severe cramps and eventually began bleeding profusely. I assumed that I was getting my period early, but I was doubled over in pain by the cramps. I went to my OB-GYN, took a blood test, and it turned out I had a miscarriage. The hormone levels indicated that I was just a few weeks along, I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I lost the baby. I discussed with my doctor the stressors that I was through recently and the events of the incident and he stated that my blood pressure must have reached a dangerous level, which then triggered the miscarriage.

There have been several other events that have caused me emotional pain and to feel ostracized and excluded, so needless to say finding forgiveness for this family member has been a challenge. I try to be cordial, calm and non-confrontational around this family member, but I can not trust them. 

Oftentimes trust is confused with forgiveness. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is earned, and it can take time. You can forgive someone for their bad behavior but you do not have to trust that they will not do it again. Whatever “it” is. They are on their path and their journey. Forgiveness does not require that you trust a person or a situation. Stay out of their path! - Michelle Wintersteen

Trust is a belief that I struggle with in most people. I admire people who can see positive intent in others and their actions. But most of the time I end up recognizing the opposite; how people just are looking out for themselves, not having open communication, mutual respect or struggling with keeping their promises. So believing in forgiveness can be a constant struggle for my own mental health. 

During my meditation and yoga is when I use breath and movement to release these pent up emotions. When I hold on to anger it really ends of just harming myself, usually in the form of physical or mental distress. So leaning into forgiveness and releasing the resentment, the past that I can not be changed and trying to cultivate inner peace will lead to liberation. It is something that I work on each day. I may take two steps forward then three steps back, but some days I may be take a huge giant leap forward and make significant positive progress. 

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha