Melancholy

Winter has always been a difficult time for me. Being cold and lack of sunlight keeps me inside and away from nature. I can't stand being cold. Even inside I have on several layers; long sleeve shirts, double socks and slippers. I spend as little time as possible walking the dogs, out and about in the yard and I mostly end up sitting in-front of the TV instead of observing and enjoying nature around me. Multiple times per day I'll say, "why do I live here?" or "I need to move somewhere that is warm all the time". I feel so unmotivated when the weather is colder. My body uses so much energy just to stay warm, that any other activity is just too time consuming. My shoulders are constantly raised, my back is hunched over and I feel tense at all times. This feeling is essentially by body going through thermoregulation. My body struggles with thermoregulation which then significantly impacts my energy levels as well as regulating my immune system. When the weather changes, I ultimately end up getting sick and not just a little cold, but a big infection that wipes me out. This is what has happened to me this last month. I got the stomach flu right before Thanksgiving, then two weeks later got a sinus infection that turned into pneumonia. All of that furthered my lack of motivation and then increased my overall melancholy. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is a type of depression that occurs at a specific time of year, typically from late Fall through Winter when there is less natural sunlight. For me, my symptoms of SAD are feelings of hopelessness, difficulty waking up in the morning, lack of motivation in previously enjoyed activities, increased social isolation, increased anxiety and decreased memory. All of these symptoms increase the melancholy feelings. This time of year, is my husbands busiest time of year. He loves being a wresting coach and I love him for his passion, but he is at travel tournaments or gets home when I'm about to go to sleep and I don't get to be with him as often. He is usually my sounding board for events that have happened throughout the day. I'll share with him something that bothered me, and he can usually help me rationalize or help me work through my anxious feelings and then I feel less upset or reel in my self-blame, self-doubt or irrational feelings. I don't have that in the winter and then those feelings fester and cause me to feel worthless, ineffective and make me want to give up. He is the only one that I trust with those feelings, because as a leader you have to be stoic, have all the answers, not make mistakes or others think less of you or try to undermine you. You are told to be vulnerable as a leader, but if you are too vulnerable people will think you are ineffective. All of these thoughts are going through my head, which really makes be feel hopeless. 

When I'm feeling hopeless and anxious, I don't really want to be around people and be social. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting on a fake show. I constantly feel like I need to be positive; not only to motivate my staff, but to be that happy, holiday loving mother and daughter. When in actuality, I just want to lay down and sleep in my room; isolating myself from the world and not have to deal with all the stimulus of the holiday season. These are the psychological triggers of seasonal affective disorder.

Even though I just want to hibernate and wallow in my melancholy, it isn't possible. There is so much to do at work, so much to get ready for my family and as a leader and mom, I can't afford to give up on myself. Sharing my feelings right now, isn't to seek out empathy from anyone reading this, it is really to to sort out my feelings, acknowledge what is going on with me and work out how to move though the perceived pain and get myself back on track. 

These last few weeks, since I've been sick, I haven't worked out. Not being active has really made me feel worse. Yesterday, I finally felt well enough to go to hot yoga. I was able to breath effectively which then allowed me to do challenging exercise's. After leaving I felt physically and emotionally energized. I finished off some Christmas shopping and took the dogs for a nice walk around the yard. For me, being active increases my motivation to keep being active. Exercising supports better mental health, exercising increases endorphins and serotonin. Serotonin helps regulate mood by reducing anxiety and increasing happiness. Serotonin helps with thermoregulation, increases memory and supports regular sleep patterns. All of these is what helps regulate my symptoms of SAD. 

I am naturally a social and extroverted person, but when my seasonal depression hits, I struggle with social interaction; I stray away from crowds and get annoyed by jolly activities (hence my aversion to typical holiday happenings). Yesterday, I also had the pleasure of being invited to a large gathering that was actually so enjoyable. Talking with people I care for, enjoying each others company and meeting new people, really helped me break through some of my seasonal social anxieties. It was so nice that I actually lost track of time and stayed out way later than I usually do. It was fantastic to have those social connections, find commonalities with others and feeling like I truly belonged. Some of my irrational seasonal depression feelings is that I am not really wanted, they only tolerate me because I'm their boss or their family member. But being involved in my hot yoga class and attending this gathering dissipated these feelings, which helps me continue on to all those holiday social interactions that will be going on in the next few weeks.  

SAD can be mild or really challenge your ability to interact with your daily life. If some of my symptoms are similar to yours, hopefully exercise and positive social interactions can help you with your melancholy, but if that doesn't get you to change your mood, then there are some other support and strategies that can be beneficial. 

• Light therapy from natural light or a light therapy box can help increase your natural vitamin D production which helps support positive mood and can decrease depression. 
• Vitamin D supplements - discuss with your doctor if you have a vitamin D deficiency or which supplements can be helpful. 
• Balanced diet with plenty of protein and vegetables is essential. During the winter and holiday season, it is easy to indulge in comfort food high in carbs and sugar, which can bother consistent digestion and spike blood sugar, which then decreases production of serotonin.  
• Seek professional help if your seasonal depression is persistent even with self-help measures, or if you have increased feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness or thoughts of self-harm. 

The melancholy that accompanies my Seasonal Affective Disorder can be difficult to break though, but I let myself know that it isn't forever, there are good days and there are bad days, I look to the positive and practice gratitude of all the joys that I do have in my life. Taking time during winter break to really reflect, rejuvenate and relax is essential in my process. I can get though this time of year and you can too!!!