Courage!!!

Courage!!!

I originally started this blogging and playing with podcasting in March of 2023. I began my 200hour yoga instructor training, as well as meditation coaching certification online then too. I was so excited to start something new for myself, separate from education, from being a mom, something truly for myself. Then two days later, on April 1st 2023, my husband went into cardiac arrest.  

We were sitting on the couch after dinner, doing what we do everyday. Watching TV, scrolling through our phones, zoning out. I went into the kitchen to warm myself some tea and I noticed that my husband (BJ) was making a strange noises. I hurried back into the living room and to what appeared to me, my husband having a seizure. He was shaking, eyes rolled back into his head, not responding to me yelling at him. I immediately went into panic mode!!!

My husband had dip in his mouth (chew tobacco), I scooped it out and threw it on the floor. I knew that people having a seizure could choke if items were in their mouth. Then I started slapping his face to see if he'd snap out of it, but he lost consciousness. 

I searched for his pulse on his neck, I couldn't find it. I immediately screamed for my kids to call 911. My son, who was 10 years old, came running down the stairs. I shouted at him to call 911. The 911 operator helped me gain some focus to begin CPR. I had to pull my husband down to the floor from a seated position on the couch. I knelt down next to him to begin chest compressions. 

My son was so brave, in telling the 911 operator what was happening, our address and witnessed it all. As an educator, I've been trained in CPR several times, but never had to conduct it in real life. My husband is a larger man and chest compressions were very difficult. I didn't feel I was getting deep enough. New CPR recommendations do not indicate as many breaths, but I did give several breaths in-between compressions.  That is when BJ would take a breath or slightly open his eyes, then I would continue with compressions. At one point in time my stamina and shoulders were becoming weak and I stood to take a few breaths for myself. Then I noticed that BJ began to turn blueish and I couldn't give up. I continued compressions and noticed his complexion coming back, which meant that his blood was circulating and his brain was getting oxygen. 

It took six minutes for the paramedics to get to our house. I was conducting CPR for six minutes on my husband, who was totally unresponsive. For six minutes my son was on the phone with 911, witnessing his father possibly die, hearing my yelling and trying to keep himself together. 

When the paramedics got to the house, I was screaming for my daughter to get down stairs, she was taking a shower, I needed her to put the dogs away. I didn't need the dogs running out and having to figure out where they were when the paramedics got to the door.  She was in a robe and had a look of total shock on her face. 

The paramedics moved me over and began CPR compressions, they were not able to find a pulse and started the defibrillator for electric shock to be given to his heart. They had to shock him twice to get his pulse at a viable level. The paramedics put him on a gurney and transported him to the ambulance. On the way to the hospital, they needed to shock his heart again before reaching the ER.

At the hospital, BJ needed to be intubated and was placed in a medical coma to reduce any possible brain damage due to the possible loss of oxygen that occurred while I was doing CPR. He was in the coma for four days, in ICU for a week and eventually received an internal defibrillator, placed on his heart, if an incident of cardiac arrest happens again. 

Seeing my husband turn blue while doing CPR, sitting in silence at the hospital with him attached to tons of tubes; while trying to transfer my energy to him to wake up and have viable brain functioning was a defining moment in my life!!

We only have so much time on this earth to develop and love ourselves and others. It's taken me quite some time, but I am committed to becoming healthier: mind, body & spirit. Part of that is working on my meditation practice - along with my negative self talk, my physical health - moving my body and nutrition, and spiritually finding joy within my everyday life. 

It's takes a ton of courage to put yourself out there!!! Doing yoga, let alone teaching it. Diving into mindfulness, allowing myself to follow passions and ideas that are uniquely to me, takes a ton of courage. There is a lot of self doubt or worry that people will think I'm strange, or not as committed to my other responsibilities. But why do I have to be one thing???

I can be a mother, a wife, a principal, a yogi - I can be anything!!!! Looking life & death in the face has truly made me realize that I need to do what makes me happy, what brings be joy and to have the courage to just be myself. 

I need to do this for myself and in turn for my children, my husband, the people I work with and hopefully to inspire other women to do the same; by following their dreams. But mainly this is for me. This blog is like electronic journaling, the podcast is my voice. Meditation and Yoga is how I choose to ground myself within this crazy world. If others discover it, or get support from it, that is even more purposeful and rewarding. 

When I'm tired, or not feeling inspired, I will reread this post and get myself back on track. 

Hopefully it inspires you to have courage in yourself as well!!!!